My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
