I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
