Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is it because I queefed?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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