Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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