I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
