I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
