We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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