i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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