The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
