..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
