my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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