Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
