Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
how do you play pong handcuffed?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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