he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
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I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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