We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
