For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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