I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
