In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
