also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
