I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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