I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In America we eat man semen.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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