I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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