Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
