Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
