i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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