Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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