i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
