My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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