So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
