Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
