It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
