I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
