I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
