It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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