I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
