my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so let's talk penis.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
