I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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