Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
