About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
