Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
