I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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