You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
