Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
