I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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