I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
