John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
