she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
