So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
