I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
