you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
