hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
