What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
