I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
