I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
