Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
