I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
