Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
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I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
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My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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