Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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