guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
